November 8, 2010

Separation Anxiety

November 8, 2010
Chris - "So when are you going to start him in moms day out? ... or are you just going to throw him into K3"

Me - "No, no I will start him maybe next summer"

we have been talking about taking him since this past summer so naturally my husband starts laughing at me!

Chris - "No. How about the first of the year"

Me - "hmmm... well maybe after cold and flu season"

at this point Chris is rolling with laughter!
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Here is the thing - I think when it comes to separation anxiety I am just as bad (if not worse) as Colton. This all started when.... he was born! ha! From the word go I would not let him out of my sight, kind of sad actually. The first time he was away from me was when he was almost 5 months old and we were moving into our new home. I needed someone to watch him while I cleaned because we didn't have furniture in our new house yet. My mother in law lives literally 5-10 minutes away so "I let" her keep him for a couple of hours. I remember calling my friend Christine in tears because he wasn't with me. Looking back I just crack up at myself because he was literally away from me for maybe 3 hours because I just so happened to forget my pump and had to go and feed him!

I remember one of the first times after he was a little older going grocery shopping without him - I felt lost! I realized at that moment that I had a problem.

See, I never saw the point of leaving him with someone else or doing things without him. When you are breastfeeding it is easier to be with them so when it is feeding time you do not have to worry about pumping (or at least that is what I tell myself). I have also always been a stickler about his (and now Claire's) schedule and naps and we all know that no one really wants to stick to the schedule you give them. Ahhh... see, I'm still making excuses! When I was fortunate to have to opportunity to travel on business trips with Chris we always packed Colton up and took him with us. Why leave him with someone else? We loved (love) him being with us and just never saw the point. The first time he was away from me for a night was when I had Claire and I actually ask if I could go home early so I could be with him! They said, "no" ... haha. I remember walking the halls with Chris getting my labor to progress and working my way through contractions and the majority of the time all I could think about was Colton. When I would think about him wanting one of us and us not there I would just want to cry. If you have read my birthing story you know Chris helped keep me side tracked with his timely or untimely humor. Come to find out he was perfectly FINE and his Papaw did an outstanding job taking care of him. None the less I was so excited to have him back in my company the next day.

Some may see all of this as a sacrifice and cannot believe that I do not do anything - or at least much of anything without Colton (and now Claire) in tow. However, I do not see it that way. I am his mother and in my mind no one can take care of him as well as I can, except for his daddy of course. So generally speaking if I have not been able to take him with me then I do not go and quite frankly I really do not mind it. Yes, ok maybe it is a sacrifice, but I will not get this time back - he will only be this age once. Just like not working - I would love to be working outside the home, interacting with other adults and supplementing our family income, but to me - its just not worth it. Its not worth missing out on all the "firsts" and its not worth him doing and saying things that he otherwise would not do when he's with Chris or I. So I realized that I now sound like a total control freak, but to be honest with you, I'm okay with that.

So here is my dilemma. Next August Colton will start K3. At first I was having anxiety over this because I felt like I would not get any time with him. Our church has a wonderful school and the K3 program runs from 8:30am until 11:15am (not even 3 hours, but Colton naps right after lunch... so I feel like the only time I will have with him will be late afternoons) and it is everyday! I think I would feel better if it were 3 days a week... ha ha! So I do not want it to be all of a sudden he is away from me everyday - I think this will be hard on him, and me (wink wink). So I have been planning on taking him to moms day out at our church twice a week to get him acclimated.

I have come to the conclusion that momma has a serious problem with separation anxiety!


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