February 8, 2011

stream of consciousness ... I'm in a rut!

February 8, 2011
Do you ever get in a rut?  I like to refer to my current mood as a rut.  I'm just in a non motivated sort of depressed, however, I hate to use that word "depressed" because I'm not really depressed, I just feel so un motivated to do anything at the present moment.  This happens to me every once in a while.  I think I fall into my daily routine at home and at a certain point it becomes redundant and boring ... this is when I start asking myself if I would like to work outside the home.  I can quickly answer that as "no".  I truly LOVE being a stay at home mom, I could not imagine anyone else caring for (I almost said "raising", but last time I made that comment I got reamed by a working mom for it) my children.

I cannot quit thinking about August, because in August Colton will start K3 at our local Christian School.  I know that it will be GREAT for him.  I know he needs the skills he will learn from there and I am pretty sure that he will be fine, but here is the thing: For the past 2 1/2 years EVERYDAY he and I have been together.  The only time we were apart was when I gave birth to Claire and even then he and his dad came and hung out with me in the hospital.  When you're with someone everyday and then all of a sudden they are away from you - even if it is for a short period of time - it is unsettling.  At least it is to me.  I want to cry thinking about it.  I worry so much about it because as of current the preschool he will be attending is everyday.  I think if it were only three days a week I would not have as hard of a time.  I really need to be in prayer more about this situation and ask the Lord to work on my heart.

Everything I do is with my husband and children.  It has always been that way and that is pretty much all I know.  A girls night out - what is that?  Seriously.  My husband works a long hard work week so when he is off  I like to be with him, he's my best friend.  Chris (as with most working spouses) really only gets to spend time with the children in the afternoons, which consist of dinner, bath time, a little playtime and then off to bed at 8pm - so when the weekends roll around that is his real quality time with them.  This is why I (we) never plan anything for just the two of us on the weekends.  Instead of hiring a babysitter to care for them while we go out, we just pack up the family and all of us go together - were use to it, this is the norm for us and we really enjoy it.  I actually feel kind of "lost" if I am without any of them.  I am coming to realize however that it would probably be good for Chris and I to spend an evening or maybe even a weekend (yikes!) away together.  Everyone keeps saying how important it is to have date nights and time alone in order to keep a strong marriage.  I understand where this train of though comes from, but I do not totally agree with it.  Good marriage in me consist of first, the Lord and then good communication and continuing to meet the needs of your spouse.  Often when you have children it is SO easy to give all your energy to your children and totally neglect your spouse.  I know I for one am really guilty of this!  I make these plans up in my head and by the time Colton and Claire and both in the bed around 8pm I am wiped out and all I want to do is sleep!  Finding a way to spend quality time with Chris and making him more of a priority is on the top of my to-do list (big smile!).

For now I am in a rut and so I'm going to get up off my unmotivated bottom and try to get myself in a peppy mood!

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