March 7, 2011

Fear ... and Trust!

March 7, 2011
Fear can absolutely debilitate you and keep you from doing a world of things... it can essentially hinder you from being within the will of the Lord.  I have never thought of myself as a fearful person so much as a paranoid person.  When I was pregnant with Colton I was super paranoid about everything.

Funny story: one morning I was picking a few things up at the local Wal-Mart before heading to work and there was a weird man following me around the store (I try to be really aware of my surroundings!) - please note that where we live there are A LOT of strange folks out there and some that are probably harmless, but nonetheless.  I was in the baby section getting a shower gift and I look around and the guy is there - it was weird because first of all the store was not busy at all (this was not a super Wal-Mart just your regular store and a small one at that) and secondly what is he doing in the baby section?  So anyway, I browse through the store trying to make sure I am not just imagining things and trying to lose the guy - I see he's in a check out lane and I go and get in a different one, next thing I know he gets out of his and gets behind me in mine.  Okay, so now I am freaked!  When I pulled into the parking lot of the store I had seen my father in laws car so I knew he was either in the store or probably just left... so I call him (he's great!) and tell him what is going on and I'm a little freaked out - so he drives back to the store and follows me out to my car and to my office.  This is not my only paranoid pregnant story, but you get the point.  In my mind it is always important to be aware of your surroundings and I almost always trust my gut.  If I feel like something is not right or I am uncomfortable I try my best to get away from or out of the situation.  Better safe than sorry!

For a while now we have been dealing with Colton being scared.  It is actually more of him getting startled and thus scared.  If it is quiet and all of a sudden a call for him, it freaks him out.  Or if I'm on the phone and I laugh out loud he will get startled and run through the house saying "nooooo I'm not scared".  He has always been afraid of the vacuum.  I use to have to hold him a vacuum and then the minute I turned it off he would start crying.  If he saw me take the vacuum out of the closet he would freak out.  Now at almost three years old he still gets up in the couch or chair whenever he hears the vacuum even if I'm on the opposite end of the house.  Oh and dogs!  Shew!  He is really timid and afraid of most dogs - especially if they're hyper dogs or if they bark.  I mean, total freak out!  For the longest time I choked most of this up to being "normal" and he would grow out of it, but now he is getting a little worse with being afraid of being alone (not so much though when Chris is home... weird) in an area of the house or now even outside.  Our back yard is fenced in so I will open the door and let him go out and play on the patio while I do something in the dining room or the kitchen - just this past week he would not stay outside long at all by himself and kept saying it was scared.  This is one of those things that absolutely makes you feel terrible as a parent!  The last thing I ever want is for one of my children to be afraid and scared.  It is just such a terrible feeling.  So we have taught him Psalm 56:3, but modified it a little for him "when I am scared I will trust in the Lord".  Just this morning for what appeared to be no reason at all (I'm sure there was a reason to him) he said "I'm not scared, I trust in the Lord".  It was the sweetest thing ever to a momma's ears!  More than anything I was my children to trust in and love the Lord with all their hearts!

I have been on a bit of a blogging hiatus the past two weeks and that is in large part due to a trial that my extended family has been going through.  Hopefully I can wisely blog about that more later.  Through this though I have had such unsettling fears.  It has been awful - I have naturally been fearful for my loved one, but I have also just been fearful within myself.  It has been the strangest thing.  I have not wanted Chris to go to work at all - I just did not want to be alone.  Yes, my children are here, but I was needing my safe place to fall, My Christopher.  Explaining the feeling was impossible and when I tried it just brought me to tears.  A week or so ago I shared this in an email with my wonderful mentor friend and she reminded of what I remind Colton of all this time "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee" Psalm 56:3.  She also shared some other scripture with me:

  • Ps. 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation: whom shall I fear?  the Lord is the strength of my life: of whom shall I be afraid?"
  • Ps. 27:5 "For in the time of trouble He shall hind me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hid me: he shall set me upon a rock" - PRAISE THE LORD!!
  • Ps. 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears"
  • Ps. 42:1 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art though disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
She reminded me to stay busy to and mediate upon the word of God.  I am so thankful for good and Godly people in my life that help me remember those things that I am trying to teach my children!

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