September 21, 2011

Prayerfully Waiting

September 21, 2011
It was this time two years ago that we found out we were pregnant with Claire.  I wanted to wait another year to get pregnant so to have three years age difference, but Chris wanted just a two year age difference.  We had not put much discussion into it, but we were being careful tracking my ovulation.  Needless to say that someone miscalculated.  I stand by the fact that I think Chris knew exactly what he was doing (ha ha). 

I knew immediately that I was pregnant.  Within a week of conception I was having classic symptoms of being pregnant including food aversions.  Being the type A control freak that I am I could not wait for my missed period and ended up taking several pregnancy test.  The first two, or three – cannot really remember, all turned up negative, but granted I took them more than 3 days before my missed period – the standard in pregnancy testing.  Even though the test were negative I knew I was pregnant.  So three days before my cycle was to start I woke up before anyone else and took the test.  I did not wait for the results, I just left in on the back of the toilet and went back to bed.  A little while later I woke up, saw that it was positive and was totally unsure of what to think or feel.  Chris was in our basement working out – I walked halfway down the steps, sat down and shook the test at him saying, “this is why I have been sick!”.  Telling Chris the second time around was a totally different experience than the first time around – talk about being stressed out!  Shew!  Nonetheless we were excited and kept it our own little secret until I was around the 8 week mark at which point we shared with close family and friends – who were bound to figure it out because I had terrible morning all day sickness!  Two of my best girlfriends just so happened to be pregnant at the same time so it made for a fun and enjoyable pregnancy (post 20 weeks of course).

Since our first pregnancy Chris has talked about having four children.  He comes from a large family with four siblings of his own, but the very thought of having four of my own is a bit overwhelming.  I did at one point when Colton was a few months old in vision myself as a mom of four boys, but that vision soon faded!
After juggling parenthood with two little ones we came to the realization that two may be the right number for us.  For me life was overwhelming and hectic with a two year old and a newborn.  I am constantly questioning myself as a parent.  How do I divide my time?  How do I give each of them enough attention?  Is he/she going to think I love her/him more than the other?  Can we afford more children?  I eventually want to go back to work, don’t I?  How do you travel with more than two!?  To some I see how these questions can be mundane or even futile, but these questions have at time absolutely overwhelmed me.

For us the talk of making no more children permanent is a common conversation and something we have discussed doing soon.  Well, we wouldn’t be the one “doing” the permanent fix, but you get the idea. ha!  After many discussions about the matter Chris shocked me by out of the blue saying, “maybe we should talk about this baby thing… I don’t know if I am ready to make it permanent”.  As in he doesn’t know if he is ready to permanently say, “NO” to more children.  Honestly, deep down I do not think I was that surprised and it actually melted my heart a little at the thought that he would like another little one.  Since that time we have been going back and forth on whether or not we want more and were currently at a stand still waiting on the Lord to show us what He wants for our family.  We are prayerfully waiting so that we make the right decision.

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