May 30, 2012

Load of Emotion

May 30, 2012

March 12th I found out I was pregnant for the third time, I was immediately in a state of shock.  I took the pregnancy test on a whelm.  My cycle was messed up the month before (not typical for me) so I assumed it was just messed up again.  It was toward the end of my half marathon training so I was pulling in 15-20 miles a week – I have heard that a lot of exercise can cause your cycle to change.  One afternoon, three days past when I should have started, I remembered I had a pregnancy test in my nightstand and decided to take it.  I was definitely not expecting it to be positive.

The shock quickly turned into worry and thus led to loads of emotion.  I know this may sound crazy to some of you, but this was not in “our plan” so it really threw me for a loop.  Chris and I thought we were finished with two children.  We were finally in a comfortable state of mind and were moving forward making plans for my husband to visit an urologist to make the “fix” permanent.

The first week after the positive pregnancy test I think I cried every day.  I cried because I did not want to get pregnant and then I cried because I felt guilty for crying.  Several of our friends want children and are unable to conceive or cannot conceive naturally.  So I felt guilty… guilty for my feelings.  It was horrible!  I walked in a horrible state of mind for a while – until I talked with a wonderful, Godly mentor who led me to the cross and helped me see this from God’s perspective.  This type of “guilt” was not from the Lord and I was not going to allow the devil to have any sort of victory over my life.

Still we have walked through the first trimester of this pregnancy very differently than with our other two.  The only thing that has been the same is the nausea that has accompanied me almost everyday all day for the first 14 weeks!  I have found myself so busy with a two and four year old that at times I totally forget I’m pregnant.

Then this weekend something happened… something changed inside of me.  It is all thanks to this little angel (wiping away the tears!):

DSC_0062

This is baby Daniel!  He is is the newest addition to our family.  He is the third child of my husband’s brother Paul.  These pictures do him no justice – he is the cutest little six week old ever.  His dark skin and dark hair are to be envied by all.  He is seriously one of the sweetest newborns ever.  His momma is very selfless with her babies (total opposite of me and my newborns… if you know me you totally get this!) so I had the opportunity to spend lots of cuddle time with this little guy.

DSC_0075

Toward the end of our long weekend I was sitting on the couch with baby Daniel and his momma, Chris was leaning over the couch admiring this sweet little newborn and emotion just over took me… for the first time I was so excited to be pregnant.  So excited that in just about six months I am going to hold my little newborn in my arms and smell his sweet skin (I’m convinced it’s a boy) and cuddle him tightly knowing that he is mine and that he will be a sweet addition to our family.

It has taken me three days to write this post.  The tears have flowed without good explanation.  I ask myself if I really wanted to tell people that I was not excited when I found out I was pregnant – what were people going to think of me!?  So I leave you with this.  I am so grateful that the Lord has given me the opportunity to be a mother for the third time and I take the task of mothering His children very seriously.  God bless you all!


blog comments powered by Disqus